I am excited, first semester is almost the fuck over! I still absolutely *hate* people, hmm. They’re very unreliable, you know? And they’re such douche bags. I am so sick of listening to people talk, man. I have just turned into a big fat Anti-Person-Person. Apathetic? Don’t fucking care anymore. I just want people who know me for me. I don’t think anybody knows me anymore, except like… 2 or 3 people. And it’s hilarious. It’s stupid. When people think you act one way, they flip out if you altar a bit. I mean hey. In my group of friends we make fun of each other but, I mean. There’s only so much I can take before I realize that these people don’t..know..who I am.

I bet nobody can tell me how I flirt. Or has even seen me do such. Yet everybody seems to know who is perfect for me, hmm..lol. Yeaaa. That’s not a big problem, of course,

but it proves my point.

Everybody thinks they know me but they don’t. At all. They just know the basics.

And being around these people who see me as something I’m not is getting irritating as shiiiiit.

As shiiit.

I have emotions and I’m sick of people introducing me as a cold heartless bitch. I’m not a cold heartless bitch, I just don’t let people walk all over me. I know, I know. I know when it’s joking, but I know when people think I generally, seriously…don’t enjoy showing emotions. Or that I’m actually mean. What the fuck?

But you know, I obviously don’t have to prove otherwise. If people meet me and have heard about me prior they pretty much go, Wow, you’re not anything like I pictured you’d be, That’s good!

Soo. You guys fail at reading people.

It’s cut-cut-cutting me down…Like slow poison

I’m still in a really moody on and off depression.

 

So my cure is music, as always. Pressing my ears to the speaker and listening to poor bastard crooning about things never fails to make me feel better. Or at least pull the miserable “Shit, I can relate” bs. You know…

 

Also, good up and coming local bands make me really hopeful. I’m going to see my current local high if I can…They’re kind of out of the way though since their hometown is farther. Sad Face. I only found them recently but I really want a cd. I think I’ll be a creeper if I just tackle and ask for one…since they only know me through School. And not even close at all. Shit, I’ve never seen their faces. Rofl. But I already want to make them Band T-shirts. *fawn* I respect people who don’t suck.

I see, I see lovers in the meadow…I see, I see silhouettes in the window

I’m all kinds of weird right now.

All sorts of broken.

A whole bunch of different pieces that don’t quite go together right.

I have no motivation for schoolwork, comission work, personal art work, or people. This is because people are horrible. People lie and are hypocrites and say one thing and do another all the time. I guess it’s perfect timing to go and dye my hair really dark, huh? I can tell this weeks going to be wonderful. Person I was depending on fell through again. And if you think you know who it is, it’s not. Seriously. I’ve dropped the subject of caring about all these people I thought would be worthwhile friendships awhile ago.

I don’t like opening up to people to have them kind of drop me like nothing and I don’t like assuming I’m friends with anybody anymore unless I hear it from them first. It’s really hard to make friendships that are close at school and I really can’t stand certain things about people who I thought were my friends.

In the end, I’m sure everybody says the same shit about me. I don’t do enough, I’m hard to read, I never contact back, yadda yadda.

I really want to travel a lot. Because then every single person I meet will have to treat me like I’ll be gone the next day. Maybe I’m just an asshole but I really like the idea of not being settled into one place. The idea of being a big fat miserable gaping hole in somebody’s chest when I leave.

And again, this isn’t about anybody, it’s about everybody. Everybody lets me down.

This isn’t about love or “feeling left out” or what have you. This about me stepping back and going, I really don’t fucking have a soul to really turn to besides a little few and the souls never turn to me! And I feel awkward because maybe I’m going about this wrong or whatever? I just suck at making friends, it seems. I always have felt like I’m the “Oh yea, she’s cool.” friend. Not anything too important, just kind of there. Sick of being all stupid and bad at this.

And then everybody lets me down.

Well, except a few.

Which is weird.

I just need more people to prove to me they’re worth something before I turn into more of a cynical hopeless person than I already am.

Come on get up- Romeo. Don’t you know what the time is? It’s the fall of rock ‘n roll, that’s what the news said

Interesting week. Few weeks.

WTWTA was alright. It was good, don’t get me wrong but it wasn’t what I was hoping. A little slow.

Hanging around with the sister was fun-and the group. And shit like that. I’m kind of behind in school and art, but I feel inspired by a force. I’m going to stop slacking off and let myself go. Make things. Do things. And well, be me.

It’s amazing how long you can know people and never know what they really feel like. That’s how I feel-I suppose. I’m just going to go and be me and stop worrying about shit because I’m pretty awesome and I don’t need high heels to be on top of this fucking bullshit. I’m so sick of feeling pressured to be a certain way so hey-If being annoying, giddy and slutty is how most females function, cool. More power to them. I can’t function like that. I don’t give half a shit about the stuff I’m supposed too.  I’m just going to stop trying to fit in to the “Traditional and cute” girl role to please my family and just go off and be unconventional. I’m not doing anything anymore to impress other people or look decent in the eyes of fellow peers…I’m just going to be super fucking awesome.

And that’s it. I win.

They said ‘hey there girl tell me what do you do’ She said ‘nothing but I’m damn sure it’s more than you’

I am like..Denise and Elliot had a baby.

Everyday I spend at MassART the more I let my crazy spill out to more and more people.

I mean..Tuesday I presented my project by going:

I’m horribly depressed and sick of the world. I hate commuting and it makes me want to off myself. So I was like, yea I am making this thing..with friends..and then..

*presents happy pillow*

And the room kind of went quiet. And I was just all B|.

And I spend half of my day at MassArt going

WHY ARE. THEY. ALL. GAAY???
Among many things. I talk to myself a lot.

But people are attracted. Rofl.

It’s because I must look like a crazy cool badass artist, rocking Warhol-batshit hair and weird just thrown on clothes. Glaring at my phone and the names on it and occasionally barking out swears.

If I had an OST, I think Jet would most defiently be in it…

A great divide between us now-On different sides of a great divide

I’m so bored out of my mind. I have three days to myself. I hope people understand that I don’t do homework every single one of those days. So uhm. Yea. I have free time…?

Drama at Prior work. For mostly all men and a video game shop, jesus holy fuck-It’s a chic-flick. I hope they can all hug it out and it can be one big mushy Bromance. It’s funny that everything falls apart after I leave, lol.

Nowhere is hiring. Surprise, surprise. So I might go back..Most likely won’t though. The computer’s are, uhm, scary and I won’t have any time besides the weekend to use them. I can’t really get used to that.

Mom went ape-shit on me when I said I was looking into loans. Threw shit at me. Insulted me. Now it’s even more harder to give a fuck about homework, all this retarded life drama. Thank fuck I can half ass it. Half ass it, seriously. All last minute. So I can still have a social life.

It sucks not being able to have one at the moment. Everyone is off on their own and all my friends, which btw..I’m sick of people getting this wrong.

I’ve made tons of friends at Massart. Problem:
They live in Boston.
I don’t.
End of story.

And until I can get a job I can’t visit them. That costs *money*. I don’t like people assuming I’m moping in a corner, wailing. I’m pretty happy and…dare I say..popular..in my classes. Everybody talks to me, I’m doing something right. I’m really not as socially retarded as people make me out to be. Yup. The only thing that depresses me is the train, but if my parents want me the fuck home, fine. They can dig in their pockets to help me. Last time I try to be selfless with them.

So anyway, yea. I have 0 social life right now besides homework and the damn computer and chatting up dudes at video game stores to avoid staying home with this lurking Bitch-Cunt. I’ve been trying to call people and shit, mainly people who can drive me around, but of course nothing works. Phone dead. Can’t do it. Everybody is busy and during everyone’s free time, I’m off crying on a fucking train to Boston. Or back. Go figure. I’m craving any form of attention right now, so I’m just hanging around my old work with them. Because they’re my buddies..

I’m willing to leave my house at midnight. Granted I can make it to school the next day. I don’t fucking care. I just need to drill it in people’s heads.
I do have free time.
So I wish people would stop treating me like I don’t.
It’s getting really annoying. I feel totally ignored by everyone. I feel replaced. Now I’m like some, myth. The friend that used to be.

I’ve done nothing really fun for the whole of September. This is nothing compared to when I would go out almost every week to just…go..do..something. Now I feel like for some reason people are treating me like I can’t.
I don’t give a fuck if I have to drive.
I don’t care that I have homework to do.
And I do. Have. Free. Time.

I have two fucking sculptures to shit out this week. Where will the money come from? My ass, clearly.
I hate that fucking class.

The End.